English soccer sucks.
How the English soccer team keeps it 58 year losing streak alive.
Well we are sorry to report that once again we were duped into watching some of the Euro-cup 2012 and actually saw that rarest of things in soccer..a goal. An actual goal in a few games…it was amazing, but don’t get excited it didn’t last long and only 1 was scored to prove how exceptional a goal actually is in soccer and why so many people around the ignorant parts of the world love it. Then we made the fatal mistake of anticipating the great match between England and Italy.
After all England is the ‘home of soccer’, the ‘inventor of the modern game’ ,the ’squires of scoring’, and of course don’t forget the ‘King’s of losing”. Yes we know they have a Queen, but it takes a real man to lose for 50+ years every big international and European match like England has managed to do. Why it seems like only yesterday that the English were hoisting the World Cup…but after you put down your Guinness and slightly sober up…which is as hard for an English fan as actually winning a game. You realize that yesterday was in fact 1954. And today is another great day for England to lose the big game when it counts.
Now any sensible person and lover of great sporting events would not think that a country and a team that can’t win a big match in 58 years should not be taken seriously and certainly not given the huge respect that they so justly don’t deserve…but English soccer fans don’t let small things like losing and not scoring keep them from loving and appreciating the most boring game in the World, played by the one of the biggest losing teams in International team in history.
Of course we don’t count the US in this losers bracket since to be a real loser you must first actually win a big game. If all you ever do is lose…like the US has done for 100 years, you really can’t be called a losers because there at least has to be one example on the other side to make the word really mean anything. You can’t be a real ‘loser’ unless you have actually won a big game…and the US has never come close…that is why real American’s hate soccer, they don’t like losers.
Now back to my original point about English soccer sucking and yet getting such great respect that you can’t really have a great ‘no goal’ soccer match without a great ‘never seen a English team win a big one’ English announcer. Having English announcers tell you about what is happening, why it is happening and how to win is sort of like having a 12 year old boy or girl tell you about dating and marriage. They don’t know, but they are experts. Just like the English announcers are. We guess when you have managed to lose every single big match for 58 years you become an expert in knowing how to win…Right…Wrong!. So after watching 120 minutes of no scoring, we now remember why we hate soccer and especially hate watching England lose another boring match and being told by the English announcer in great detail how they almost won. Yes it’s true, it’s damn true… English soccer sucks and we are the biggest suckers for watching it